no way out

how .... how can i overcome what i have not earned? I am standing at the dawn of a new day and it burns my eyes to see it. I found what i wanted but it hurts to hold it .The inadequacies that bind my mind are many. The fear is real, the pain is coming . Its a pending time bomb thats just going to hurt worse the longer it takes to explode. I want to stop the dream right now and get back to misery. I need to ground my jet, calm the storm.

though if this .....

Never have I thought of tonight . Never in the passing . When my hands look old but my face doesn't . Who could fall for this ? Long has been the days. Dirt poor and loving life. Thinking of the hour not the day. The sooner it is the better I understand it . Fear grips me, holds me down , just another excuse for not getting it done. Fires that burned smolder into ash, Feelings we had, none have lasted. Low ? I am not sure . If I am not then I probably am . Confusion is mine , fear is what compels me . What is the right answer ?

Sour

Sour is the taste in my mouth ....long have I pretended that it was all alright. The time has come to pass. The dark before ....... well ....just the dark really....a lone light ...... into the abyss we stare ... silent ...without ..... without .. sour.....sour is the taste in my mouth......


when all seems right ...
in the silence of the night
it will be revealed
that what we have is real


there' s a sour taste in my mouth tonight
I got the feeling
the tonight ...well ..tonight ..
please you need to runaway ...
please you need to run away ......
please you need to run away


there is a sour tast in my mouth ..
tonight
there is a sour taste in my mouth
tonight

please ...please ...you need to runaway

I am scared .....

runaway

good night sweet heart

well good night sweet heart its time to go... sour has set in . good night good night .
I told you to go ....but you wouldnt listen.
I told you to go....
well good night
good night
I told you to go ....
sour has set in
we can both win
I told you to go

the truth of it all

OK so there comes a time when everyone hurts someone they care about. We have been on both sides of that street. We have hurt and been hurt. We have tried with the best intentions to withstand our own evil doing. We have struggled with what is right, wrong, and what should be . How we can be happy and not selfish . How we can love and not hate. when the world is pressing on your back to be able to stand tall at the end of the day ...well that is all that we can ask for... We show kindness to strangers and venom to our loved ones. Why is it that when you feel comfortable you feel as though you don't have to work . Why do I feel as though every move I make is the wrong one. Where is it going... Where are we going .. and what have we done to get there ? When things end people are hurt and anger rears its ugly head . Sides are chosen and lines are drawn. This is the nature of things and we can except that .. but lies ... when spread about and shaken can ruin a lifetime of work and perseverance. Long have we done things the right way and long have they ended the the wrong way.When will the circle end.. When will it end.. you would think that at this point in the world I would have a incline of what i was talking about ... I don't ... I write to express, but my voice is guarded..long is the fear of tapping into what really lies beneath. to come to grips with that it.. to understand that there is no gold, no sunshine or sky, sand or water I have to deal with the facts and they are this ..happiness is elusive and rare ... can you rush it ? can you save it ? is it real ? for me ....sadly i think not ....

one way to go

once you look upon it ..... you see it
I feel as though every move i make is the wrong one.. why ... i keep trying ....
I really don't understand.. I am afraid .... of myself ..... of who I am ....
its just that I always thought of it differently ... the way I would be .. not that I am mad
or sad ..... Just that I am afraid.... to be ... of ... myself .... of who I am
The wrong moves plague me ..
The wrong moves bind me .....
Once you look upon it .... you see ..
I'll keep trying ...
but its the ones that I hurt that haunt me....
I'll keep trying
its just that I always thought it would be different .... thought it would be some thing else ...
I wanted to write a letter to explain ....
That's why I will keep trying

what ?

every time it comes ... and every time it goes...We stand at the entrance waiting to take that step .. but fear holds us back... stops us from enjoying the moment. We wonder aloud to ourselves.. how long will this last. How long will the ride be ? Its hard to forget about the past. Its harder to not let it effect your judgment. We forget that its the ride that counts not the destination. Life as you see it is not life as it is. Long has been the struggle to just enjoy what is and not ponder what was or what will be. Easier said than done though. Easier said than done. How many conversations with myself must I have. How many times do i need to put the brakes on. When ...when can i hit the gas ? I look back and all I see it a trail of sorrow left in my wake. This world is what we make of it. The gas pedal should be avoided at all costs.. but somehow .... there is a desire to burn inside.. a yearning to be complete. The gas pedal will be pressed and it will be pressed hard. If you fail you fail.... it has happened before ..and it will happen again.This is a fact .. but when fear and despair wash over you, when cold and sorrow knock on the door. When all the lights have went out and the house is quiet and still. In the dead of the night, just as you cant sleep ..
then it hits you ..
then you understand ...
you were alone before ..
you will be alone again..
you will die alone ...
but the journey the journey must be taken

ANSAN

That my friends is the matter of the facts..the pie in the sky that you have been holding onto. Sure there are arguments about the spice of life. I know that you can come up with a dozen honorable things to prove me wrong as I stated ANSAN which in short stands for Aint Nothing Special About Nothing is true. I have been wrestling with this for about 6 years now. The seeds of this were planted along time before that in my cynical twisted little mind. I am, as we all our, trapped in our minds.When I say ansan I mean today . Right now. For me . The realization of the answer was just as opening as the answer itself. There has been years of research and countless hours of deep concentration. Long days on the road alone. Nights in my bed when I wished I was alone. Blankly pressing into the present. ansan was tough for me to admit. I cannot say all is lost. There are plenty of good things. There are a few great things . But something special I have not found. You see Special is a personal point of view. Greatness can be debated. Good is obvious. Special.. well ..Special is different...it seems to require something I cannot grasp

anytime

anytime....that's what we say .... anytime
it seems all is thrown away in a second
anytime....
tired of it all ... ready to let it go
the pressure grows every moment
your mind wanders ....drifts ...shifting with the tide
hard to position yourself against the pull
anytime.... that's what we say..
anytime
creeping in while we sleep ...
anytime
tired of the pressure mounting
anytime that's what I say

what do you think ? that somehow you will be just walking down the street and it will happen ? that it will be clear to you about how it had to be and that all the events from that day to the next were for a reason that brought you to that moment .... that every pain you felt, that the despair that creeps over you while you are in bed at night was a mirage and is gone ..... that somehow it was meant to be that there is is this grandiose scheme being played out with you as a pawn in the middle .... is that what you think ??? is that how its going to be ??? how long to do you go on with it .... not voicing , not speaking and certainly not feeling like you are in it ??? when does it come time to be alive? at what point is reality going to set in ... alone ... together but alone .... not feeling ... certainly not believing .... fingers cant keep up with the struggle ..... the angst inside... perception is you reality ... and somehow ..... just somehow ...that the clouds will part the sun will shine and then it will come back ... but then what ?? where will you be ?? what will you be ??? this all matters for not ! cause the root of your demons cannot be solved by beauty or a smile .... not attitude or swank ..... cause in the end your alone .... and alone is where your problems are .... clutter in your mind and life, a time for passing is coming ..the storm on the horizon is drifting away into the gray ..... dull long and dreary ..... shapeless and lacking ....it sucks you in ...pulls ...easy at first .. unbearable not long there after ...... fair ??? whats fair .... and if you act now ........where do you stand ..and if you act now who do you care for ..... do you care for yourself .. things are fine but there not .... things are strong but there not ......desperation from the clasp of life is your trial .... no way to escape.... age creeps in but you feel the same .... a number .... your mind is fresh ... your mind is young .... talk .... talk, you have talked all your life and still find confusion where you need clarity ..... what can be done has been what can be changed hasn't .. what hasn't been changed has been .... laws and codes are nothing ..... time and patience is wasted ... what to do and who to do it too ??? somehow ...someway .... there is a answer out there.....

Finally Found

if it was to be .... how could it end....if it was to be said, how could it be hummed
singing dancing .... wondering ...if It could be ... if could not see..... but then again ... its not how you feel ... its the shadow on the wall the shimmer in your eye......
wondering.....where the power ....the power was
one step forward .. on step back .... every thing could be ....could be ,,, the one.... but .. then again you never know what could be the thought of it all....
Tuesday night in the spring.......when the frost still lingers.... the cold still bites ..............you feel the shiver

the cold running down .....
running over you
.......finally found ..?....







what else can you feel ?




what else can you feel ????


why???



ask me, wisper why ?



ask me !!!





that is it ! .....

All hail the wolf !

If you need to Laugh then just follow the link

Best Term ever

ok Urban Dictinary is new to me and I cant seem to get enough of it !

Best new term I have heard in a month is Inbox Rot ! ... we all have done it but now ? now its got a name ! Here is the definition of it Inbox rot

Hastily Waiting for You

waiting it out.... thinking ...slowly.....wondering .... that if you made any choices at all..?
who could answer these ? who could we have called ? you wonder .. at the choices of it all..... you want to...... to wallow........ revel.... in the misery of it all..... soak it up.....
sweep the plate....streaks, staining ..... you
....wondering



waiting it out, thinking hastily wondering that if you made any choices at all .....
I know ...... you .... i know... you ............ but .... .......... . I really don't know myself ................you ......




and......it can feel a way ......but .... I don't know myself.... .but I know . you .... but I know you ......... but I don't even know ..........
myself.......myself..............



waiting it out ..........thinking .....slowly........wondering ... that is you made any choices at all.....?

who could answer these ?
who could we have called ??
you wonder .....at the choices f it all ...you want it ....
wallow ....revel......

who could we have called

as if the day wasnt long enough .... there is a rumbling in my gut that the bounds may have been overstepped ... again ... to fast ... just tryin to be nice ... and as always...to far to fast .. but ...i am not built for this modern era of wishy washy standards... i have a very unique set of things i look for and i know when i find it ... there are very few who can pick my interest and when they do ... watch out .. and thats when it all goes wrong ...standing alone in the middle of the night looking at your phone wondering where you return is ?? its not happening .. no ... its not going .. so ... as time rides the wave of emotion ... the clock slows and the seconds clunk... pounding ... crashing ...second by second...never ending ..a constant reminder of what is ... what it will be ... and where you are going .. which by the looks of it ... you will be going alone.... its time for some suffering ...time .... to realize that ...after all of your selfishness ...all you preconceived notions of glory... your delusions of grandeur ...that you really are alone... you really are not sure of what is coming ... only that ...you have no control... over any of it ... none... how can it be....that after all there years that .... you are still you ... and the rules ...well they are the same but for some reason .. you cant seem to work within them ... but that's always been the case hasn't it ... thinking that it doesn't apply to me ... that you can wiggle your way through .....that .... no matter what .......well my friends those days have come and the sun has set ...in the cold crisp night air ....its there ..pushing you ...even though you are alone... its telling you even though its silent .........as i struggle to move... to breathe.... to feel ... drained washed and exhausted ....from the fight in my head... what to do ?? never could have it worked... never, yet you still fought ... changed forever .....thinking that is what its suppose to be ... anytime that it comes ..........you fight it ... anytime it creeps and lurks in the shadows..... you see it ... and there in the darkness of the night when you are alone... it takes over....